How to stop being a people pleaser

You may have people-pleaser syndrome if you constantly ignore your needs to satisfy others, struggle to say ‘no' and set personal boundaries, and need other people to be happy with you to be happy with yourself. These attitudes and behaviours feel innate to us when we practice them long enough. We may feel we have always been a people-pleaser and always will be. However, people-pleasing is a tendency that is learned. Nobody is born this way. Indeed, some people are genetically wired to have a predisposition to avoid conflict, but nobody’s inner nature is to be a ‘yes’ person.

Your partner, friend, or parent, may have brought your people-pleasing tendencies to your awareness because they want you to change. They might be the reason you are reading this article. But ultimately, no change will occur unless you want it. If you are willing and eager, you can learn to stop people-pleasing. But you must be open and ready to question this way of navigating. 

It can be difficult to label always going the extra mile for others as a bad thing. You may have previously thought, or still think, that this is not something worth questioning, especially if you are always rewarded and praised for being extremely nice and generous. You may believe people-pleasing is an honourable thing, something that generally does more good than bad, something to proudly identify with.

‘When I help others, they keep me around’ - this belief keeps people-pleasers, pleasing. It can be hard to motivate yourself to challenge this way of existing if you fixate on the positive feedback from the people in your life. That is why it is important to be aware of the negative impacts, and once you truly acknowledge these limitations, you will likely feel called to act.

3 negative impacts of people pleasing and what to do counteract them

Lack of identity 

You may shift how you outwardly present yourself to please whoever you are with. That might mean altering your personality, humour, and/or belief system. Obsessively scanning the room, observing what people are saying and doing so you can adapt to be ‘what they need,’ is an exhausting way to maintain relationships. Constantly studying others takes away from your joy and sense of ease.

When you spend the majority of your time worrying about what others might want from you, rather than just being yourself unapologetically, you prohibit yourself from genuinely connecting with people.

Friendships will always feel forced and difficult to maintain when you approach them this way. Additionally, at the end of all this personality shifting, you will feel fatigued and confused. When in your own company, you will find yourself questioning who you are or what you really want from life. When your sense of self is completely wrapped up in what other people want, a lack of identity transpires. 

A lack of identity tends to result in low self-esteem and confidence; this can contaminate our work life and relationships. It is easy to over-work when we feel the need to prove ourselves, when we don’t know what unique and specific value we bring to the table (other than working harder than everyone else).

Equally, it is impossible to stop ourselves from forming unhealthy ties with people when we only know how to be nice. What about being honest, vulnerable, and candid with our loved ones? This is just as important as being nice. Being ‘the nice person’ is not a healthy identity to latch on to. Eventually, all the pretending and stifling of our genuine emotions and self will catch up with us and manifest as stress, depression, anxiety, emotional exhaustion, or burnout.

If we are in touch with who we really are and what we stand for, we can use our morals and self-values to guide us. We can turn inward rather than always looking outward for direction. Obviously, considering others is important, but it is wise to first and foremost listen to your internal compass. It is possible to stop adapting to please others when we are able to self-evaluate. Having a strong sense of self is the perfect antidote to people-pleasing.  

Journalling can teach you a lot about your true self - the person behind all the pretending and performing. It can get you in touch with your authentic desires, passions, and persona. 

Journalling questions for people-pleasers:

1. When you think about stopping people-pleasing, what fears come to mind?
2. If you weren’t busy ‘doing’ for others all the time, what would you be doing instead?
3. What do you want to say ‘no’ to more often?
4. Who are you when nobody is watching?
5. What do you want from your relationships?
6. What makes you proud of yourself?
7. What made you happy in your earliest years? Does your answer differ now you are an adult?

It is tempting to hold on to the version of you that you created over time to impress people. I am sure you learned that this idealised version of you was likeable to many. But if you had to drop this agreeable nature do you think you would be close to the people you are close with now? Do you think you would feel at ease being your unfiltered self with them? Fulfilling relationships, a strong sense of self, and an overall healthier work-life await those ready to challenge their people-pleasing. Leaning into self-exploration is the way forward, so get journalling!

Time management issues

When you can’t say ‘no’ to people, you are doomed to always say yes. Your need to please others will result in you constantly spreading yourself too thin. In an attempt to not just be nice, but extraordinarily nice, you will sabotage yourself and take on more than you can handle (eventually meaning you will have to let others down). You will overload yourself with acts of service to carry out to please others. Your people-pleasing to-do list will be ever-growing. Whilst your self-care to-do list will be non-existent. If you delegate no time to look after yourself and to reflect on what you might need, your life will be spent running around ticking off other people’s to-do lists.

Using all your brainpower to anticipate what others need means distancing yourself from what you need. You might struggle to tune into your inner voice because years and years of turning down the volume on it have now led to total silence. What do you want? What do you require? Who knows! It is important to be in touch with yourself. Maybe you need rest, an evening to yourself, more breaks in nature, or time to explore your passions. It is impossible to listen to your body’s natural cues and to acknowledge how you are feeling if you are always in somebody else's psyche. 

If you are interested in taking care of yourself, meditation is a great tool. Getting in touch with your inner yearnings is possible through mindfulness. It does not matter whether you fancy sitting cross-legged in your bedroom or simply pausing at your work desk - meditation or mindfulness can be done anywhere at any time. Tuning into your body, your inner monologue, and your breathing, can be powerful and enlightening.

Meditation exercise for people-pleasers: 

1. Close your eyes or lower your gaze.
2. Take a moment to find a comfortable position and gradually deepen your breath.
3. Tune into the sensations in your body and the environment you are in.
4. Your mind will eventually (or quickly) start to wonder and your head will be filled with thoughts. Practice observing them, not attaching yourself to them. You are not your thoughts (until you act on them).
5. Use the affirmation ‘I watch over my thoughts’ to create a healthy distance from them.
6. Notice the ‘I should’ thoughts coming up in your mind. These are common among people-pleasers. ‘I should call her,’ ‘I should help him,’ ‘I should go and see them.’ Simply being aware that you feel you have to do something is useful. You can then further challenge yourself to question if you must. It is wise to reword ‘I should’ thoughts into ‘I want to’ thoughts (and if you cannot, it is useful to ponder why).

Build up of frustration

If you are constantly going above and beyond to make others happy, especially at your own expense, you may find yourself frequently feeling frustrated when others are unhappy in your company or as a consequence of you. 

People-pleasers tend to be deeply insulted when others feel bad around them (even when the negative feelings are linked to issues with other people or circumstances). They also tend to take constructive criticism as an attack, no matter how benevolent the delivery of this criticism (it can be interpreted as accusatory and unfair). For example, a partner could attempt to improve the line of communication with their other half by thoughtfully sharing how they feel. But if they communicate that they feel upset at something their people-pleasing partner did, their heartfelt expression may only evoke anger and frustration within the people-pleaser, not compassion and understating.

If you are always tiring yourself out trying to be what you think others need, it is no wonder you get frustrated when they still feel bad around you. You might find yourself thinking - ‘I can’t believe they are still unhappy after all I’ve done for them.’ It is important to realise, when you try to make others happy, you attempt to control outcomes that are out of your control. Expecting people to always be happy around you because you are always nice, will only lead to disappointment, and in the long run, resentment. We cannot make other people happy, we can only make ourselves happy. 

When you have a lot of built-up tension and frustration it is hard to think clearly. That is why externalising your frustrated thoughts is useful. Therapy provides a safe place to explore anger and work through it without hurting the people close to you. Cognitive behavioural therapy is most commonly recommended for people wanting to overcome the habit of people-pleasing.

There are many other ways to address people-pleasing tendencies, and we all resonate with different practices. The methods I suggested may not work well for you and that is OK. It is worth keeping an open mind and experimenting with other forms of healing. There is something out there for everyone, and if you want change, you can go and get it for yourself.