2 ways to deepen your connection to yourself

It can be difficult to get in touch with our deepest desires and identity. Many of us are fixated on what other people think of us and this can get in the way of self-exploration.

A large number of people have people-pleasing tendencies, and this is no surprise. For those of us living in Western society, because of our hierarchal system, there is always someone ‘above us’ to please. When we are children, we want to prove ourselves with good grades, so our parents and teachers celebrate us. When we are adults, we want to prove ourselves with high-quality work, so our employers appreciate us and reward us. We are taught from a young age to focus on impressing others, not ourselves. Furthermore, we are socialised to put material and financial success on a pedestal. 

But what about how we feel within ourselves? Do we like our lives? Our sense of self can be stifled by our need to appear successful, but what does success really mean to us personally?

When we spend more time worrying about what other people want from us (our employers, friends, partners, and parents), we lose sight of our inner yearnings. What are we passionate about? What do we want from our relationships and friendships? What makes us feel calm and safe in our bodies? What inspires us? What are our boundaries? What do we want for our future selves?

As humans, we are hardwired to want to belong amongst other humans, this primal desire protected us as a species historically. However, we do not have to consider life-threatening situations on a daily basis like our ancestors once did. We do not live in the stone age. Gone are the days of needing to fit in with the people around us to survive. Instead, we can be picky with who we let into our lives.

We no longer need to be accepted by those in our immediate environment to be safe, instead, we can focus on nurturing connections with people that we like. More than ever, we have the freedom to advocate for ourselves; to make decisions based on what is best for our mental well-being. However, many of us find it difficult to think for ourselves - peoples' opinions can loom over us like a menacing grey cloud.

Do you feel distant from your inner needs, wants, and true identity? We can use practices like meditation and yoga to facilitate deeper self-understanding, increased emotional intelligence, and stronger mental health. Both meditation and yoga involve self-analysis, ideal for those of us wanting to strengthen our relationship with ourselves. 

Techniques to deepen your connection to yourself

1. Self-inquiry meditation

Self-inquiry meditation allows us to check in with ourselves and boost self-awareness. This practice requires us to turn our attention inward and to calmly and non-judgementally ponder who we are. Getting into a meditative state as we do this empowers us to access meaningful answers.

When we do self-inquiry meditation, we actively shed the ego’s notion of self and get in touch with our unconditioned self. The ego self relates to competitiveness, bravado, and insecurity. When we speak from a place of ego, we feel the need to tirelessly prove ourselves. When we speak from a place of authenticity, we allow what feels true to us, to be known. Self-inquiry meditation allows us to feel grounded and to reflect from a place of honesty.

How to practise self-inquiry meditation:

• Change into something cosy. Soft and loose clothing is advisable.
• Seek out a safe and quiet environment to meditate in.
• Play some peaceful music on a low volume.
• Get into a comfortable lying down or seated position where you can remain still.
• Close your eyes or lower your gaze.
• Begin to relax your body and move your focus away from the chatter going on inside your head. Anchor yourself to the present moment by concentrating on the sensations in your body, the sounds and vibrations in your environment, or the rhythm of your breathing. When your mind wanders, calmly refocus on what is going on in the here and now. Do this until the thoughts in your head slow down and you generally feel more peaceful.
• Now turn your attention inward and think of yourself. An image might come to mind, a series of words, a certain colour, a feeling, or even a piece of music. Instead of approaching this with an opinionated and critical lens, take a curious and unattached approach. Throughout your life, you will have accumulated some opinions of who you are, you need to let go of these notions in this meditation session. Give yourself a fresh slate and act as if you are noticing yourself for the first time. Whatever image comes to mind, embrace that.
• Use these questions to dig deeper: What is ‘me’? What am I made up of? When have I felt most alive? What do I gravitate towards? What makes me relax? If a memory or a thought comes to mind, gently ask yourself, what is this showing me?
• When you ponder the above questions, imagine yourself as an outsider or spectator. Watch over the thoughts and theories in your head without attaching yourself to them. Remember, thoughts are not facts, they are versions of the truth.
• It is advisable to allow at least 15 minutes to self-inquire, but it is up to you to determine the length of the meditation. Some individuals find it useful to set a timer.

It is wise to write about your experience after a self-inquiry meditation session. You can do this either on your phone, laptop, or in a journal. Whatever best enables you to get into the flow of writing! This is a useful time to reflect (do not be afraid to question the relevance or accuracy of your observations).

2. Yoga

We do not always have to explore who we are from a psychological lens. We can use physical movement to deepen our understanding of ourselves too, and yoga is great for this. Our bodies store emotions and we can uncover a lot about ourselves when we move them. 

When we are unable to mentally process hurtful experiences, our bodies can absorb our negative feelings and hide them away so we can get on with our day-to-day lives. However, over time, if we do not go back to those painful experiences and address them, we can begin to feel consistently low and fearful. How can we experience happiness, love, or stability, if we have unresolved pain living within us?

This may sound very daunting, but yoga enables us to get in touch with this pain gently and gradually. When we feel, we process, and then we let go. Sometimes deepening our connection to ourselves means no longer pretending that everything is OK. It means acknowledging our pain. Yoga enables us, through mindful movement, and concentrated breathwork, to reveal our insecurities, fears, and trauma. 

Our negative experiences impact how we navigate the world, it is not until we address them that we can exist from a place of trust and authenticity. Fear does not allow us to be ourselves, it encourages us to perform and pretend. Yoga can help us let go of that fear and be ourselves again.

Finding a yoga studio, teacher, and group that you feel safe in, is important. If you know you harbour pain and vulnerable emotions, a friendly environment is key. 

When we are in people-pleaser mode, we adjust ourselves to be likeable and agreeable to others and this means ignoring and sacrificing our own needs. If we do this for a long period, we may one day find that our life is deeply unsatisfying. When we find ourselves losing sight of who we are and what we want because we are trying to please others, yoga and meditation can help us tune into ourselves again.

It is important to go easy on yourself. As stated earlier in this article, you are hardwired to want to fit in. So, try not to judge yourself if you get thoughts like ‘I should be like this to impress them’ or ‘I should stay quiet so they do not dislike me,’ or ‘I should pretend I am fine so I do not bother them.’ This is your primal brain trying to protect you.

But remember, you live in modern times. You get to be selective with the life you live and the people you surround yourself with. You do not need to be well-liked! You have agency to exercise and life is blissful when you are in alignment with your inner belief system and truth.

There are many ways to dig deep and explore the self. Yoga and meditation may, or may not, resonate with you, and that is OK. It is important to honour what feels right for you. I encourage you to ponder what activities make you feel safe in your body. Journalling, walking, exercising, painting, singing, cooking - whatever activity puts you at ease is valuable.

Listen to your body and notice when you feel most at peace within yourself. When you can feel calm in your body, you get to access the more vulnerable truths - what moves you, what you desire, and what is not serving you. When you feel grounded, self-exploration is possible.