Could you connect with your baby before you get pregnant?
As a mum my greatest fear is losing my child, this is something that plagues the minds of many parents. And what a conundrum because before you had them you got on ok right?
When I first saw my daughter amidst the shock and adrenaline of childbirth there was this subtle “oh my holy christ, what am I going to do now?”. This sheer terror of the feelings of responsibility and constant unrelenting worry. This worry that now in my present state I realise is a major block to the bond that is possible between a parent and their child. This worry is a flag of course for you to be aware of this being that once was inside your body and now is outside your body in front of you. This flag is useful, but in its over dominance, very annoying.
So how do we as parents deal with this fear, this worry? How do we enjoy being a parent? And hopefully, some of the time, be present for this magical ride of parenting?
I can feel you waiting for me to give you a check list of how to stop the fear and worry. Well I cannot do that, parenting is a complete and utter overhaul of everything you believed of your life before. This would be to rob you of a most transformative time. My perspective is each pregnancy, miscarriage, stillbirth, non-starter and child is a blessing. Some filled with utter heartbreak and destruction but a blessing also. Souls are a blessing. To say anything other would be to say these experiences are not important, they certainly are to the parents who experience them.
Parenting, if you allow yourself to fling your arms towards the sky and scream out your fears on this rollercoaster, can be utterly exhilarating. Parenting can fill your life with a pure love so powerful it will change your very existence. Or it can be a permanent state of fear, worry and terror. The choice is yours.
I for one find myself just staring at my daughter when I get enough presence and space to see her - it floors me and I can barely mutter the words “you are very lovely you know” before she cringes in disgust and carries on awkwardly after my expression of love. Now that my daughter is pre-teening, there is this aching grief where I look at my friends with young children with joy. I tell them, “they won’t be this age for long” with an air of older and wiser.
I know this is impossible when you are in the thick of the daily grind that can swallow everything with parenting. But this is true. I work with parents within my practise and support them enjoying this rollercoaster ride and being totally present with themselves throughout. Parenting has the potential to bring up all your own wounds to then be healed. To heal the wounds of your family, your ancestors and beyond. It is not just nursery and changing nappies although it is that too. Parenting is delightful and traumatising all in one big beautiful bow.
Within each one of us including our unborn child is a part of us that is infinite, a part that does not die or decay. This is known to some as our essence, our soul or our heart. There are many words for this. When a loved one passes away and we see a flower that reminds us of them or we hear a song this is an expression of this part that lives on.
What I do with clients as a healing practitioner is encourage them to connect with this part within themselves, through meditation or grounding practises such as EFT or yoga. I encourage them to do this so therefore when they look at their children they can feel and see and connect with this part within their child. Feeling this connection can help clear the tensions that so often come with parenting.
This experience for a mum, of being one being to becoming two within a short space of time can be extremely shocking and the body will do everything it can to survive. The body of your baby and your body as a mum (or dad/partner - they will feel this also) will adapt to its environment for optimal survival. This can be exhausting to always be in survival mode.
For now within this short piece of writing, I give this advice. Place your hand on your heart, this will activate your innate heart intelligence where there has been found to be sensory neurites that behave similar to brain like cells.
When we place our hand on our heart this activates this knowing within. Do this and imagine your child, whether you are trying to get pregnant or whether you are or you have a child. Imagine them and tune in with your heart beat. Take some breathes and feel their heart energy back. For a moment feel this unconditional love between you and your child. This love is where the magic happens. Unconditional love is the cure.
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